08.29.16

THE GIFT OF CREATING A LIFE

218A7794218A7835218A7768Photos by: Mackenzie Jane Photography Dress: Maccs


Looking at these photos taken by Mackenzie Jane, I can’t help but tear up.  Not only are they absolutely breathtaking but look at that miraculous little baby bump.  I am so beyond grateful.  I think back to when I first shared our story about infertility and remember the undeniable pain I was feeling.  I was petrified to ever let anyone know what we were going through because I felt like a failure and I had zero control in changing what was happening. It was crazy how it happened.  One night I felt compelled to share, to make what I was going through known and let every single one of you know that we all have something we are struggling with.  Life isn’t perfect regardless of what we see behind these little screens.  Something felt different, like Convey The Moment was created for a reason after all.  

If you haven’t seen this video, then I would love for you to take a second to watch it.  Even if you can’t relate to infertility, there is so much more to it than just that.  Like how social media is so deceiving, how we forget to live everyday to it’s fullest and how there are more important things to invest our energy in than things that won’t matter in five years from now.  

Ugh, I remember those nights so clearly, in fact I’ll never forget how I ever felt.  I get this pit in my stomach just thinking about it. My eyes never without tears, my heart broken so badly I never thought it would be put back together and just feeling so ashamed of everything.  Feeling so angry at my body for failing me month after month.  I never knew if I would ever be able to feel peace again or have the chance to feel a love such as this.

When I hear from you girls (and guys!) still going through this I wish I could just hug you and really let you know that I know exactly how you feel.  I remember thinking this would never be an option for us, to have a baby of our very own.  People always told me that if I kept fighting I would have my miracle one way or another and I’m so grateful I never gave us even thought it felt like I wanted to time and time again.  Please, just trust me and keep fighting.

Pregnancy has been the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.  Truly.  I mean, of course it’s pretty hard on a woman but I think because of everything I just haven’t been able to feel much of anything but gratitude.  Everyone tells me to remember just because I went through infertility doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed to complain, but the truth is that I haven’t felt the need to.  Everyone handles situations differently and I just think this is how I’m responding.  When I was throwing up, I would look up at Tim and smile saying “I’m so happy to be throwing up because it means baby is thriving”. I seriously am just so grateful.  

With this all being said there is one thing I have been having a hard time with and I felt like I wanted to share it because I’m certain I’m not the only one. Or am I?  Tell me!!

I remember telling my self I would take getting fat, and stretch marks and feeling uncomfortable over EVER feeling the pain of infertility, that I would just be so grateful to be able to carry my own baby.  While most days are pretty good, I do find myself having a difficult time with some of the physical changes that have been happening to my body.  I’m constantly told I look huge, ginormous, sooooo big…etc and this gets to a person after a while.    

If a negative comment comes out of my mouth towards myself Tim always reminds me of how lucky I am, and I KNOW this more than anyone.  But the reality is that my ass and thighs are about 3 sizes bigger than normal and I barely recognize my own reflection in the mirror and it isn’t always easy. I’m constantly reminded “you’re pregnant” but I think what I’m feeling is more than just “huge”.  

I want to emphasize that it is more than just how I look physically and about feelings to the situation itself… especially to someone who already struggled with her weight for a period of her life and how it brings up those feelings all over again. To some of you, you might not even notice the physical changes other than the bump, while to others they might be very obvious.  To myself, it’s more or less I think having to deal with some of those inner emotions since infertility.  

I feel a little bit of frustration that I HAD to struggle with infertility which meant I needed to take the hormones and then I was told NOT to exercise while stimulating because of the risk of ovarian torsion.  So my pre-pregnancy weight was already 10 lbs higher than normal and of course this creates feelings of disappointment.  You want to be the healthiest version of you when creating a life so to be honest, this part hasn’t been entirely easy.

Post transfer I couldn’t be active again (like literally wasn’t allowed to even vacuum for two weeks) or do anything physical during the first bit of our pregnancy. Then I experienced severe food aversions to vegetables for about 15 weeks, which can be pretty traumatic to someone who follows a plant based diet and relies on vegetables as a main source of her nutrients. Think constantly eating pizzas, pastas, crackers, and potatoes as your everyday staples.  Like even for breakfast.  It just felt like a huge cluster-mess of one thing after another especially when I take living a healthy lifestyle very seriously.  It had way more to do with just the numbers on the scale.      

I think I can’t help but feel a little it of resentment to the situation because on top of not being able to get pregnant on our own, I had no control over how healthy I was or how much weight I was gaining during my pregnancy and that has been hard for me. I’ve been working so hard at not blaming my body for failing me and reminding myself that I can make all the changes I desire post baby and she is perfectly healthy even if I’m not eating my normal super healthy vegan diet (I’m still eating vegan, just ditching the healthy part more often than not). For now it’s important to be kind to myself and remember creating a life is a lot of work and these physical changes are inevitable no matter what.   

I think these emotions and changes are only challenging me to grow into a stronger person and are helping me become an even better mother.  When I reflect I realize how I’m feeling victimized when this isn’t a positive response in any way and isn’t going to serve me any better.  Being able to grow this baby is truly the greatest gift I have ever been given and I will never ever take that for granted but I still can’t ignore some of the negative feelings I have been having.  So in the meantime I’ve just decided to take the opportunity to reflect, enjoy it all and remind myself every time I get feelings of  disappointment to just be a little better to myself.  I have been through a lot, physically and emotionally, and it’s okay.  
    
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